


Why Do I Even Bother?

by kompulsivelyKapricious



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Romance, hate love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-08 12:18:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1940805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kompulsivelyKapricious/pseuds/kompulsivelyKapricious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hate him. You hate him with a fiery passion from Hell. It burns inside of you to the point where trying to proceed with a black romance with him would seem impossible because you only want to kill him. But then you stop for a moment, realize that you can be irrational sometimes, and remember that he's got a really nice smile. And his hands are soft. And he's really warm. And that you actually kind of love him.</p>
<p>Maybe that's why you're so crazy around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is Where I Stop Caring

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is a series of little Homestuck one-shots that actually kind of turned into a story. I don't know how it happened, but here you go. There were all on Tumblr, I will be posting them all as soon as I find all of the posts. 
> 
> kompulsivelykapricious.tumblr.com

"KK, why won’t you talk to me?" Sollux leaned against the wall, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. You stand in the kitchen, attempting to cook what could have been chicken if it weren’t for the fact that it was shriveled and black. You had been cooking said mystery meat for over fifteen minutes in an obviously failing attempt to ignore Sollux. The annoying pest just couldn't take a fucking hint and go away.  
  
"Karkat, thith ith thtarting to get really annoying." Sollux snapped. "If you don’t anther me—"  
  
"What are you going to do?" You turned abruptly, your expression alarmingly livid. "Kick my ass?"  
  
"It wath an option, but now that you’re talking, it ithn’t." Sollux pushed himself away from the wall and walked into the kitchen. He turned and leaned against the counter beside you. You grimaced and turned back to your burning chicken—or whatever it was—and continued your silence.  
  
"I don’t underthand. You were juth fine latht week."  
  
"That was last week, this is this week."  
  
"I’m happy to thee you’ve made thome thort of dithtinction, but thath not the point, KK. The point ith that you’ve been ignoring me, and I don’t like it."  
  
"Good for you Sollux, what else do you not like? I’ll make sure to write it down so I don’t do anything to upset you." You dumped your food onto a plate and turned to sit at the table. Sollux followed you and sat down as well, resting his chin in the palms of his hands.  
  
"Are you actually going to eat that? It lookth tokthic."  
  
You glared at Sollux. “I’m not going to waste it.” You sawed off a small piece and stuck it in your mouth. Almost instantly the indignant expression in your eyes changed to one of disgust, and your face flushed red. You wanted to stop eating it, but you weren't about to admit defeat with him sitting right there, waiting for you to admit that the meat was indeed toxic and that you were probably going to be retching it up later.  
  
"KK, if ith groth, thpit it out."

You shook your head and closed your eyes as you tried to chew. You body shuddered as you swallowed. “It’s not that bad.”  
  
"You’re gonna make yourthelf thick."  
  
"What do you know?"  
  
"A lot more than you, apparently."  
  
"I’m the one who cooked it."  
  
"Yeah, and thath why you’re gonna get thick if you eat that. You cooked it too long. Ith black all the way through. It lookth like you’re eating charcoal. That can’t be healthy."  
  
You slammed you fork and knife against the table. “Shut up.”  
  
"Whath your problem? I only thaid that you’re gonna get thick if you eat that! I’m looking out for you."  
  
"I said shut up. I didn’t ask for your advice, fuckass. I didn’t ask for any of this."  
  
"Ethcuthe me?"  
  
"You’re excused."  
  
"What do you mean, you didn’t athk for thith?"  
  
You crossed your arms and didn’t speak. Sollux, obviously fed up with your stubbornness, stood and turned away from the table. “Okay, fine. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be in my room. I don’t know why I even bother with you.”  
  
"It’s because you’re an idiot, Captor." You snap, tapping your fingers against your arms, eagerly waiting for him to leave so you could 1) calm the fuck down and 2) get rid of the putrid lump of over-cooked cluckbeast on your nutrition plateau. "Don't wait up."  
  
"Whatever, Vantath."


	2. Trying not to be Bothered but it's Kind of Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so he's kind of an idiot. He's short, kind of chubby-cheeked, and childish. Really fucking childish. But he's also kind of fun. He understands the way you feel sometimes, and when he makes fun of your lisp, you know he's probably flirting with you. You don't hate him, but of course there are times when he really pisses you off. And there are times where you wish you were strong enough to leave. But when he comes to the way he does, teary eyed and broken down, how can you leave him?
> 
> Kind of like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sollux chapters will be in third person. Karkat chapters are in second. I prefer writing as him, because he's more fun.

Sollux sat in his room with the light off, staring at his computer screen. The glare of the light reflected off of his glasses making it impossible to see his eyes. Irritation crept into the way he typed, his fingers hitting the keys too harshly and too fast. His mouth moved like he was talking under his breath, but other than those two things, he appeared to be calm.

Being on his computer calmed him, even if only a little bit. It was difficult to be rational around Karkat. Sometimes he wanted to choke him out. He wanted to wrap his hands around his throat and shake the life out of KK. But then there were times where all he wanted was to be close to him and know that they were all they wanted. It was just too frustrating.

Was this, whatever it was, even worth it?

Was Karkat worth it?

A very quiet knocking sounded. Sollux sighed and turned in his chair. “Enter.”

Karkat appeared in the doorway, looking rather disheveled. His hair stuck up at all ends and his clothes were wrinkled and sitting at awkward angles. His eyes, which were usually full of anger and murderous intentions, were wide and expressionless and swollen from what had probably been hours of crying.

It was way past midnight.

"Oh, KK…" Sollux held his arms out, half of him hoping Karkat would come to him, the other half wishing he wouldn’t.

"I don’t want to talk."

"You don’t have to." Sollux said quietly. "But if you don’t want to talk, why did you come in here then?"

He shrugged. “I’m not sure, actually.”

Sollux chuckled and stood, his instincts screaming at him to sit his ass down now or he would regret it later, but he only closed the distance between himself and Karkat, wrapping his arms around the shorter troll. Karkat shuddered and wound his arms tightly around Sollux’s waist, burying his head into the taller troll's chest. It hurt Sollux to think that Karkat was holding in whatever it was that was hurting him. Did he trust Sollux enough to confide in him?

"I don’t want to talk."

"You thaid that already." Sollux said, guiding him to the chair to sit him down. He crouched in front of KK and held his hands. "But I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me."

"There isn’t anything you can do."

"Why?"

Anger blazed beneath Karkat’s stoic demeanor. “You know damn well why.”

"I’m not going to argue, Karkat." Sollux snapped. "You can juth tell me why your being rude and cryptic or you can get the fuck out." Sollux released Karkat’s hand, his posture stiff. "And you can take all of your belongingth with you."

Karkat sat there for a prolonged moment, just staring. Though it wasn’t like he was actually looking at anything. It was a sightless kind of stare; his heart contracted painfully, practically folding in on itself. Karkat made a choking kind of noise in his attempt to speak, but then his expression returned to it’s previous stolidness. Sollux stared down at the short, nubby horned troll, wondering what what could possibly be going through his mind.

 

Had Karkat ever looked at him with that level of hatred before?

 

Karkat stood, very slowly, as though he might break if he moved any faster. Sollux watched him move toward the door out of the corner of his eyes, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. He didn't want him to leave, but on the same token, he didn't want him to stay either. Maybe Sollux could move on, find another troll. Karkat obviously was either not looking for a serious caliginous relationship of any kind or he was simply being the usual difficult Karkat he was. 

"And for the record," Karkat murmured as he walked away, "I know what you did."

Sollux stood, crossing him arms tightly over his chest. “You’re delusional.”

"I’m delusional!" Karkat exclaimed, rounding on the bespectacled troll. "At least I’m not a liar."

"Irrational."

"Fake."

"Loud-mouthed."

"Insensitive!"

Sollux’s mouth was a pinched line by now. It was the only sign of his growing anger. “Filthy mutant blood.”

Sollux watched, his glasses masking the horror and sadness in his eyes, as Karkat lost what semblance of balance he had left and stumbled back into the door. He didn't speak, neither of them did, because they would either continue arguing or start crying. What Sollux said was unacceptable. But he had been angry, and when he got angry, it was kind of hard to keep his mouth shut. Karkat of all trolls should know that about him, but the expression in his red eyes told him otherwise.

"I dont—" Karkat stuttered to a stop and tried again, but no words came out. "I’m—"

"Get. Out." Sollux snapped, masking the tremor in his voice. "Now."


	3. Characteristically Unnatural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You hate him. You hate him with every micro fiber of your being. Any kind of respect or love you held for the stupid troll was just gone. Wait... love? Nope, that wasn't even a fucking thing that existed. He was a shit-stain on the carpet of life. He wasn't even good enough to be the dirt beneath your feet. He--well... he was everything. His stupid two colored eyes. His stupid lisp. His stupid double horns. His stupid two-colored shoes. His stupid coding. His stupid smile. The stupid way he held your hands. The stupid way he looked at you when you finally confided in him. 
> 
> God damn it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three everyone! A little bit of editing went into this, but not much. If i tried rewriting the whole chapter, then it wouldn't be the same, and I'm kind of fond of this chapter. Hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Please feel free to give me any tips. If you find something wrong or that I could fix, don't be afraid to let me know. I'm open for improvement! :)

It had been a month. Or maybe it had been more than a month; either way, it had been a long fucking time since ‘that day.’ It’s not like you cared. Or at least, you liked to think you were capable of moving on. It was a little difficult though. There was a little part of you that realized it was impossible to forget the ones you thought you loved. The littlest things could remind you of them.

Like the way a stranger adjusted his glasses the way Sollux did. The way one of your friends grimaced when something didn’t go their way. Whenever you did something that you knew Sollux wouldn’t like you to do. It never ended. It was worse at night; you had the tendency to dwell.

It was only fitting, seeing as how over-emotional you were about everything. Thinking incessantly about Sollux was something you had become prone to doing. You had never liked anyone like you had liked Sollux. Sollux had been the kind of person you could hate all the time; you could yell at him, hit him, and make fun of him, but then at the end of the day you could sit down on the couch curled up underneath a warm blanket with him. You would be blubbering like an idiot as you watched one of your favorite romcoms and Sollux would be trying not to laugh at you, one hand holding yours and the other gently messing with your already unruly hair.

Sometimes you liked to think that Sollux was thinking about you the way you thought about him. The humans say that whenever someone is talking about you then you can feel it on your ears or something. Like they twitch or something. It was pretty cool. Maybe you were going crazy, but you liked to think that you felt your ears move from time to time since that incident between the two of you.

But you didn’t like to think about that time.

   
You couldn’t forgive Sollux. You didn’t want to. Every insecurity you had built up about yourself all boiled back down to the color of your blood; candy red, like a human. A freak of nature, a disgusting mutation, an abomination. It sickened even you, but when you were around Sollux, you could forget about things like the color of your blood. They were stupid. The both of you had always agreed that the blood caste system breeded unnecessary hatred and sour feelings between trolls who could be great lovers or friends to each other.

Sollux called it immature, and those were the words you had come to believe for yourself. It _was_ immature. Why did the color of your blood make you filth or royalty?

But then, all of the sudden, because you were in the heat of the moment and irrationally angry, Sollux said something you had tried, in that moment, to believe that he had said something different… or that he hadn’t actually meant it. You liked to think Sollux hadn’t meant it, because, well, it was Sollux after all.

You liked to think about a lot of things, actually. And you wished two months ago wasn’t one of them.

You sighed and lifted your face to the sun and closing your eyes against the glare, reveling in the warmth against your face. You willed the heat to burn away your thoughts and leave you empty-minded. You willed yourself to forget, but the effect was not enough to satisfy you. You leaned back against the grass, ripping the short green blades out of the ground out of irritation.

"Fuck him." You hissed between bared teeth. "I hate him. I hate him and his stupid glasses and his stupid lisp and—" you opened your eyes, squinting against the sun, "and his stupid everything."

You could practically hear Sollux telling you how immature you were being. You knew you were being immature, but really, how else were you supposed to act? Like nothing had happened? Like you hadn’t been insulted and forced to your knees so completely? No, it wasn’t happening.

Forgiving and forgetting were not in your nature.


End file.
